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A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."  At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
	He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
	"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger"
<br><br>
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
	Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
	Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.  I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......."
<br><br>
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY:<br>

1)You wake up - face down on the pavement<br>

2)You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold<br>

3)You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office<br>

4)Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles<br>

5)Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business<br>

6)You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city<br>

7)Your twin sister forgets your birthday<br>

8)You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realise you don't have a waterbed<br>

9)Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway<br>

10)Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache<br>

11)Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat<br>

12)The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard<br>

13)You wake up and your braces are locked together<br>

14)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business<br>

15)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife<br>

<br><br><br>
Some real bumper stickers:<br><br>

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.<br><br>

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.<br><br>

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.<br><br>

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?<br><br>

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.<br><br>

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.<br><br>

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.<br><br>

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.<br><br>

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.<br><br>

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.<br><br>

11. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek counselling.<br><br>

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".<br><br>

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.<br><br>

14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.<br><br>

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.<br><br>

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.<br><br>

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me<br><br>

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home<br><br>

19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha<br><br>

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me<br><br>

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time<br><br>

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult<br><br>

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?<br><br>

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name<br><br>

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway<br><br>

26. Illiterate? Write For Help<br><br>

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off<br><br>

28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes<br><br>

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit<br><br>

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person<br><br>

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!<br><br>

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To<br><br>

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?<br><br>

37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...<br><br>

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!<br><br>

39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]<br><br>

40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph<br><br>

41. Guys No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]<br><br>

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?<br><br>

43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.<br><br>

44. Ax Me About Ebonics<br><br>

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel<br><br>

46. Boldly Going Nowhere<br><br>

47. Cats: The Other White Meat<br><br>

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!<br><br>

49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That<br><br>

50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends<br><br>

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window<br><br>

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?<br><br>

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.<br><br>

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch<br><br>

55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!<br><br>

56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.<br><br>

57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.<br><br>

58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.<br><br>

59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.<br><br>

60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.<br><br>

61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.<br><br>

62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.<br><br>

63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.<br><br>

64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?<br><br>

65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.<br><br>

66. If you can read this, the bitch fell off (back of a biker's vest).<br><br>

68. What had four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull<br><br>
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